Showing up with my Vulnerability

When nature offers a steadying hand

Photo by Dominik Scythe on Unsplash

                                                        I went for a walk today 
                                                       And my fears came too
                                                  We talked about all the things 
                                                    I imagined I wanted to do 
                                               They let me ramble and talk away
                                               Making plans and setting dates 
                                               And then they started butting in
                                                   Throwing me off my pace 
                                            I tried and tried to block them out 
                                                 Walking faster down the hill
                                           But always they managed to keep up 
                                                    Never falling off my heel 
                                                 On and on the noise went on 
                                                A constant droning in my head 
                                                     Until I saw a leaf float by
                                                    Just gently above my head  
                                                  This little leaf it stopped me 
                                                      Hard inside my steps 
                                           And for a moment I stood in stillness 
                                                    Catching a second breath 
                                                 I pondered how this little leaf
                                                      So small beside the tree 
                                              Had found the courage to let go 
                                                   Shut out its niggling fears
                                                      I wondered as I stood 
                                                  In a world so vast as ours 
                                               Could I be like this little leaf
                                           And leave anxiety among the hills
                                                              ~ Georg Cook                    

When we look to nature, we so often find that it holds answers. Answers to the questions we ask out loud. Answers to the ones we are not brave enough to whisper, even to ourselves. Deep down I feel that our ancestors knew. Such was their connection to the landscape that they inhabited. They understood the message of a blackbird’s call at daybreak. A fox crossing their path stopping them in their tracks momentarily. The witnessing of blossom cascading from a tree in spring, gathering at their feet. These were all messages, personal to them. They guided them, held them and allowed them to live with nature. Right alongside it.

In the past few weeks’ nature has been asking me to show up with my vulnerability and lean into it with tenderness. Showing it affection. As I deepen my connection to the woods of my teenage years, visiting them almost daily, so to do I deepen my connection to myself.

I notice the scent of the bluebells in the early morning stillness. The pinecones on my path that I carry with me whilst I walk, gifting them to the woods further along my walk. The way the heavy rain has left ripples in the now dry soil much like the way waves do to tweet sand at the beach. Above all I notice the birdsong and the light.

Right now, showing up with my vulnerability, looks like opening my diaries from 2022 and spilling them onto black pages as I begin to write my first manuscript. It is a privilege to honour that version of myself whose words are now forming a story that I am willing into becoming a book. It is amazing how much I observed in nature on my walks from that year, that are wanting to be thread through my story. Not content to be merely a backdrop nature and the woods are characters in my story.

We are not who we were this morning, last week, last year. Those versions of us have floated into what once was, if we are lucky, we meet them again in our journals, notebooks, photographs and memories. It is an honour to meet them.

In reading those diaries it has afforded me a rare opportunity to notice where life has changed. Equally looking at where it has not. It is a fascinating process, but one that I am finding triggers my anxiety. Indeed, I am finding myself sitting with my anxiety more and more as I navigate telling of my story, whilst also navigating my way back to that version of myself who poured her heart out onto the pages of her journals.

Nature as always is holding me. The trees and woods are holding me and together the words are forming chapter by chapter. Having an incredible mentor is keeping me accountable to submit work for reviewing and there is a quiet positivity that is bubbling up from within.

Like the little leaf I am hoping to leave my fears on the hill so that I may write without doubt and share my book with the world. I look forward to sharing more of my words with you.

Georg 🩵

If you would like to support me by gifting a notebook or chocolate bar please use the link below